雅思寫作大作文段落如何避免空洞表達?


大部分寫作不好的考生大作文容易出現的問題是表達空洞重複,沒有實際內容。往往一個段落洋洋灑灑寫了100多字,卻在實際查看的時候發現這個段落topic sentence開始就是空洞的用詞和表達,又或者除了topic sentence,整個段落都是空洞的語言,但內容上沒有實際進展。下麵,就這幾種情況一一進行說明並探討如何提升表達。

 

問題一:Topic sentence表達空洞

1: 2015.12.12

Some people think that children should spend more time and energy on reading stories in books rather than watching TV or playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

 

許多考生在對watching TV or playing computer games進行探討時,topic sentence 寫成:

Watching TV or playing computer games is harmful to children.

這個句子首先是個假命題,也就是說這樣的論證不符合邏輯順序。因為一定程度的看電視和玩遊戲對孩子來說是很好的放鬆方式,隻是小孩子這個群體的一個特點是自製力差,所以很容易沉溺於其中。因此主題句寫成harmful 是片麵的。可以改成:

Exposing children to excessive TV program and computer games is harmful to children.

 

2C10T3

Countries becomes similar because people can buy same products everywhere in the world.

Do you think the positive outweigh negative?

 

有考生在表達優點topic sentence寫成:

Buying same products everywhere in the world is convenience. 這樣的表達對於客體指代不清,太過寬泛。可以改成:

Buying same products everywhere in the world brings convenience to customers. 當然,convenience 是沒有任何實際的含義的,這隻是一個引子,下麵印出來的是具體的便利,比如:降低購買成本,節約時間,有更多選擇等。

總之,考生對topic sentence的表達注意兩點:一是一定要準確,不能為了表達某一方麵的內容而出現假命題,二是內容表達完整,不可漏掉 事件主體客體。

 

問題二:段落擴展內容空洞

1: 2015.12.12 (具體題目見上文)

考生段落:

There is no doubt that reading stories in books can cultivate the imagination . This will improve the creative mind of children, which provides them opportunities to overcome difficulties with creative mind. As a result, children are capable for the job demanding creative thoughts and achievements with high-efficiency.

 

這個段落的問題1.沒有解釋清楚讀書可以培養想象力的原因。考生在進行段落擴展時,必須秉承一個原則:讀者對你的觀點一無所知。跳過了原因,會使整個段落邏輯表達不清;2.段落的表達變成了想象力的優點,而不是讀書可以給孩子帶來的好處。所以,在講好處的過程中,考生需要回去扣題,點出讀書帶來的優點;3.整個段落的表達用詞較大,比如imagination, creative mind, achievements, high-efficiency, 用在孩子身上不切實際,不能說明讀故事書實際給孩子帶來的好處。

 

可改成:

Reading stories in books cultivates the imagination of children.(Topic sentence) When reading ,they image the roles and surroundings in books revealed by words simultaneously. (Cause) As a result, to those who have the habit of reading, they have more chance to build the creative mind, which is more helpful for them to flexibly solve problems met in their daily study and living. (effect or practical value).

 

Cause effect        practical value, 通過這樣的方式進行擴展,對topic sentence進行分析並且通過practical value 將讀書的好處最後又拉回到了實際問題的解決上,解釋清楚了問題同時又不顯得內容空洞寬泛。

 

例2. C10T1 task2It is important to help children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Some people think that punishment is necessary.

Do you agree or disagree?

What other punishment do you think is helpful for parents and teachers to take?

考生段落:

It is unquestionable that punishment can stop children misbehavior. However, children at an early age are too young to judge the reason of being punished, which cannot prevent their next mistake. At the same time, physical punishment brings trauma to children growing whether on their body or on their spirit.

 

這個段落的問題:1.優點後進行轉折不充分;2.punishment不能幫孩子判識是非的理由講的不透徹,全部都是結果性語言,因為缺乏過程分析和分析性語言,所以整個表達缺乏說服力。

 

可以改成:

It is unquestionable that punishment is the direct way to deter the misbehavior of children. However, children, at the early age, are too young to judge the reason of being punished and worse still, since the bad modeling of parents and teachers, they think that bulling others is acceptable. Also, physical punishment brings children trauma unintended by parents and teachers.

 

這段的擴展方法為對比論證,主要說明懲罰不能幫助小孩子達到辨識是非的結果。第一句為讓步句,懲罰隻組織了行為但不能達到結果,接著兩個結果來說明危害,危害一為引發暴力行為,危害二為會給孩子留下父母老師未預料到的創傷。這樣會增強說服力,並且通過連接詞,增強整個段落的邏輯性。

 

總之,考生在進行段落描寫,不管是topic sentence還是段落擴展,必須避免空洞表達,而想做到這一點,一是進行完整表達,即一句話中一個事件的主體和客體必須表達完整,再就是段落擴展過程必須秉承讀者對自己的觀點一無所知這一原則,對於原因影響建議這種邏輯論證,進行充分描寫不可漏寫或跳寫,同時需要增加連接詞對整個段落的邏輯進行細化,讓整個段落內容充分,邏輯順暢。

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